Yesterday evening, my wife Meenal and I were taking a walk and she expressed an interest. Earlier that day, we were talking to the owner of a Tantric workshop organization that wanted to expand his business into conscious relationship courses, so we were exploring whether we should teach through this organization. The owner had pointed us to a prototype of his new website that he was going to launch, that prominently featured conscious relationship courses, to show us his commitment and see if the website fit what we wanted to teach and give us an opportunity to make suggestions before the site was launched. While we were looking around on the new site, Meenal apparently saw a Women’s Course that she was intrigued by. So during our walk that evening, she started talking about the Women’s Course and her curiosity about whether it could support her. Then she started talking about how it was held the same weekend as an immersion for a coaching program we are signed up for. She also talked about how far away the venue for workshop was and how long a drive it would be and the fact that she would likely be making the drive alone. It sure seemed to me that she was telling me her desire to go to the Women’s Course and then getting stuck in the tyranny of how to do it. So like the good strong man that wants to help my woman get what she wants, I offered strategies to fix things. I recall saying something like “You know you can skip the immersion and go to the Women’s Course”. Thinking back on it now, she may have said that she did not want to do that, but I persisted. “Maybe we can find someone to share the drive with you or you can fly.” Then I went to “Who is teaching the course”, because we are familiar with a number of the teachers that teach through this organization and feeling into that may help her better connect with her desire and break out of the tyranny of how. She commented that she did not know, but that it was being taught at the same time as the Men’s workshop – which is taught by two very knowledge and talented women that we have gotten to know as colleagues. I found it strange, because these Tantrika women would likely be the ones teaching the Women’s Course as well and it was surprising that the organization would schedule two workshops like this at the same time. So I was actually genuinely curious when I said “Huh, that’s funny, then we should look up who is teaching the Women’s Course when we get home.” At this point, Meenal started getting frustrated – I don’t recall exactly what she said, but I do recall that I could feel her pulling away energetically – or what I have heard referred to as the 4D (as opposed to the 3D world that we perceive with our five physical senses). We’ll get more into the 4D of what was really going on shortly.
Right then, I could feel us heading down a familiar path. You know the one, where the rock you pass looks familiar, then you recognize the tree – it looks a little more full, but definitely the same tree and finally you realize that the path you are on is one that you have been on many times before – it leads to the edge of a cliff – and the first few times you unwittingly stepped off the edge and fell to a painful conclusion, but the last couple of times you stepped off and somehow managed to grab the edge as you were falling and it took hours or perhaps a day to climb back up and make your way back to the trailhead, all bruised and cut up, but you made it back without the pain of free-falling to the ground below? This time, I woke up when I saw the rock – oh yeah, this path! I don’t want to go down this path so I am turning right, even though I don’t know where this right turn will lead, I know I don’t want to go straight. I said “Wow Meenal, it feels to me like you are frustrated, what’s up?” She told me how it felt like I was trying to tell her that she SHOULD go to the Women’s Course and that is not what she wanted to do…and how I had told her that SHE should look up who is teaching it. My first thought was that I didn’t say that and I certainly could have told her she was wrong and that I had said “we” not “you”. Fortunately, I recognized that familiar rock on that familiar path that would have led me astray. Instead I was able to say “I understand that you heard that and that was not my intent. I was genuinely curious about who was teaching.” That helped her feel heard and I didn’t make her wrong – it turns out that turn I took led away from the cliff’s edge.
On the surface, this is a celebration of staying awake enough to make a conscious choice not to head down that path. However, to better support my staying awake and feeding my personal growth, I want to dissect what really happened. When I wanted Meenal to have what she wanted and started to give her options to fix her blocks to what I thought was her desire of going to the Women’s Course, I was actually not bringing curiosity and open listening to the conversation. I was actually taking my starting gate position on the victim triangle, playing the all too familiar role of rescuing her. This was probably in response to a subtle pattern that we have recently excavated about what I do when I feel her helplessness on a 4D (aka energetic) level. We are all sensitive beings that can feel each other and on the 4D level, I could feel some helplessness and she could sense my wanting to fix her (situation). Once that pattern was activated, we were both going to hear and see things and act in a way that would support that pattern being true, whether on a 3D level I had actually said “we” or had said “you” was irrelevant. So I did a great job of averting the cliff’s edge, AND next time I want to avoid that path completely. Can I catch myself earlier? Is there a trail marker that shows me that familiar path, even before I see that familiar rock? Can I stay in a place of truly hearing her and remaining in curiosity and when I feel her helplessness on a 4D level, can I truly believe that she is actually not helpless and she can ask for help when she needs it? That is my work on what I put into the space between us that we all our third.
P.S. Looking at the organization’s website, it turns out the Women’s Course is actually not the same weekend as our other commitment and also not the same weekend as the Men’s course, so the whole situation was made up in our minds – another example of the Universe offering us opportunity to stay awake through our relationship and this time I think I scored a passing grade (“Yay”), though I could do better next time.