Sometimes the magic looks nothing like I expect!
This week felt like an intense spiritual-energy workout. Meenal had two sister-goddess friends visiting. Four people in our small downtown condo for a week, especially when it is three turned-on women and me, felt like a lot of energy to navigate. It felt like I was surfing the big waves in the subtle energy realm. Deep troughs, huge swells, and me being buffeted about while being committed to feeling everything. And with all that energy, of course our shit came up. At times, I felt deeply connected, and at other times I felt like I wanted to isolate to protect myself – to help me, my critical mind created stories of how the women were breaking agreements. I was feeling frustration, thoughts of abandonment when they would come home much much later than they had said and I was stuck making more than my agreed contribution to dinner, the thoughts of what’s in it for me, the jealousy of how turned-on Meenal was without me, surprising thoughts and feelings or being a victim – and then I would snap myself out, or so I thought.
One of my agreements and practices with Meenal is to not have any withholds between us. Yet, I created a story of how Meenal was having this amazing experience with her sisters and I didn’t want my frustration to intrude into her turned-on experience, so I would save it for later.
I teach, coach and post about how we can feel each other. In spite of that, I was genuinely surprised that she could sense my withholds – that’s how deep into the victim story I was. Yesterday, the sensations built up enough that she named it – she felt disconnected from me and wanted to know what was going on. I am celebrating that I didn’t feel shame, no sense of walking on egg-shells for making a mistake and being the one to blame. I just named what was going on and the reason for my withhold, and in doing that, I realized I was rescuing her. Although I thought I had snapped out of it, I was still deeply on the victim triangle – go directly to jail, do not pass GO and do not collect $200. Darn – I thought I was past that. If you have ever met Meenal, you would know that she does not need me to rescue her. She’s a powerful woman, especially when she is turned on and juiced up – and so the story of needing to protect her was full of crap and completely self-serving.
All I am left with is recommitment. Commitment doesn’t mean that I will not make a mistake and stray from what I committed to. Commitment is putting my energy behind an intention, and recommitment is waking up to the fact that I have strayed from my intention and once again, putting my energy behind it.
So, I recommit to not creating withholds – especially when it is because my squirrelly thoughts tell me that I need to protect her (still my blind spot). And I recommit to speaking my thoughts out loud so I can see how squirrelly they actually are.